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My Ramblings

[Warning: there's nothing special in this post; yet there are many things in it.]
After explaining about my problems lately, I'd like to talk about how I spend my time these days.
I'm a university postgraduate student, so basically you expect I spend most of my days in the university- Right? I don't! Hard to admit but I spend lots of time indoorsin my room, on my bed, on the sofa, in the kitchen boiling water to make tea.
I'm not still ready to go and deal with the academic life since the start of the academic year in September. I'm afraid to go out of home and deal with the world outside. I'm afraid of other friends. I hide myself from them. I run away from them. I don't want to see anyone from any of the courses I had. I don't like to face other lecturers either. All are scary to me. I feel intimidated. Students are going and attending their classes happily and motivatedly but me... My message to such fellow friends:
Dear students who are like this I hate ya! Because you make me feel I'm one useless lazy person who never passes her courses.

Beside that, the minor depression and emptiness I feel is still there.
Feelings I usually don't talk about to anyone and pretend there's nothing wrong with me. But still everyone knows I'm not OK and wanna come and help me and hold my hands and make me move.

But let's not talk about it. I know what makes me feel good: being back to the academia! Yeah. I'm an inborn nerd. My classmates back in University of Tehran days used to call me 'The Professor' because of my airs and graces. Good nickname. I'm now proud of it rather than being hurt by it.

What else? Yeah I sit on the sofa with my laptop too much and I drink too much tea. No need to deny it as my housemates clearly can see it and report it to you. I feel I'm confessing I'm a drug-dealer as I'm writing this. Because it's hard to tell people who usually think you're one hard-working prolific person that you really aren't and don't be fooled by the appearance and my shining past and CV. There's still hope for me that I'm not a smoker or alcoholic.

I have good points to talk about either: I'm expanding my studies from linguistics to gender studies all by myself. I spend most of my time reading gender studies articles and books. 

I started by reading Stone Butch Blues by Leslie Feinberg on Google Books as I couldn't find the book in any library or bookshop over here. There were only the first third chapters on the Internet but still it was so beautifully-written and gripping. It's the story of a transgender person in the US and deals with his life in the pre-Stone Wall era. I really love this part of the books when he writes: 

"The world judged me harshly and so I moved; or was pushed; toward solitude"

I hope to find the book one day soon as I love the morose tone of the author. And curious to read about all those butches and femmes inside the book!

On the other hand I'm trying to read Judith Butler but her texts are not really easy- I read the first few pages of her Gender Trouble and my brain hurts! The texts are so heavy. Guess I should put it aside for some other time for serious reading though it has always been on the list of 'Books I Gotta Read ASAP'. OK no problem; I'll shift to Radclyffe Hall's Well of Loneliness. Used to have it in my computer back in the days I was in Iran but after reading the first few lines got bored and thought it doesn't worth reading- but I was wrong! It is one of the most famous books and one of the characters I have read is very different and interesting. Can't remember her name now. But I've planned to read it from tonight. Good luck to me and keep your fingers crossed to read it steadily and don't put it away without finishing it!

Apart my readings (or pretending-to-readings) I'm listening to lots of music as always. Music heals me. Music makes me feel better. It's like a door to run away from the darkness. It gives me inner energy. I listen to Horse McDonald; Enrique Iglesias and Queen these days but the one who catches my attention more than others is David Bowe. Love him! He's great. Love his "Life on Mars", "Heroes", "Ashes to Ashes", and "Absolute Beginners".

This is ground control to major Tom, you've really made the grade 
And the papers want to know whose shirts you wear 
Now it's time to leave the capsule if you dare 

This is major Tom to ground control, I'm stepping through the door 
And I'm floating in a most peculiar way 
And the stars look very different today 

Nothing more to say. My not having appetite most of the time is not something I'd really eager to talk about.  I force myself to eat but after a few bites I can't continue. But it is fine. I'll get my appetite back sooner or later. That was all for now. Keep well peeps. And let's hope I feel better too.


Rob said…
It hurts to know you are troubled especially as I know I don't have the words to heal you. All I can say is be true to yourself.
Mercedé K said…
Hi Rob
Thanks for the comment
I'm trying to improve my situation- it's like a battle! Sometimes I feel good and sometimes I still feel I'm being drowned! I think being busier makes me feel much more better as at the moment I don't have much things to do

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