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What Was My Illness?



I'm not supposed to be on here, actually it's the exam season. In this season a group of living creatures called students show especial behaviour from themselves which they didn't show before in other seasons. They start showing signs of stress and worries, sleeping less, eating hurriedly, moving around with a thing in their hands called a "book", printing things they should have printed 2 months before called the class slides, consuming liquids like coffee or tea in large amounts and wishing secretly events like the Zombie Apocalypse or The End of the World are not such bad events.

Joking aside, yeah, I have an exam in a few days and I'm studying, or in better words, trying to study. The better word is actually "struggling", but I don't wanna sound that pathetic  Actually it's good to put on intellectual airs and graces and pretend you're a serious Linguistics student who would be another Noam Chomsky in the not-too-distant future. So yeah, I'm reading a big book on Human Communication Disorders for my exam and I'm very knowledgeable about this subject. Ahem.

Let's stop beating around the bush and talk about the main subject. I wrote before the reason I was away from my blog for a few months was an illness. I said I'd write about it, now I want to talk about it to you. So pick a chair, sit down, grab a cup of tea and listen to what I'm going to talk about, or rather write about.

In the past few months, I felt gradually I'm losing some of my both physical and mental powers. At first I ignored them, but little by little they got so serious they stopped me from my normal life. I felt I could not sleep any more, I had been losing my appetite and can't eat like other people, my concentration got so weak I couldn't think on a task for a few seconds, like reading a book or watching films, I show desires of locking myself away from people, hiding from the outside world as much as possible and trying not to go out at all. It got worse when panic attacks came. For example, suddenly I felt my heart is beating so fast, I can't breathe and think I'd die in a few moments. This was as well as physical pains all over my body, like the spine coloumn, and legs and chest pains. My limbs got weak and I couldn't use them for the simplest things  like washing the dishes completely or cleaning my room.

Among all those horrible days, one night was so specific I still have it playing live in my mind. It was on the 3rd August; the night had come and it was around 9 or 10 pm as I was reading a blog in Persian and listening to St Luke Passion which made me feel more awful (hence the importance of the music on your mood and mental health, and the ultimate importance of music therapy, if you believe in it). I chatted with a friend on facebook, then when our conversation finished and she said goodbye, I felt suddenly I can't breathe any more and I felt an urgent need to dash out of the flat. I ran the emergency stairs down (or maybe simply used the lift, can't remember this clearly) and went to the complex yard. I walked around the pool and not knowing what else to do, I removed my shoes and put my feet up to my knees in water. I moved my legs in the water and felt a little better. Wish I could swim as well but it was late and I didn't have any swim suit and also swimming is forbidden after 10 in our complex. I went back home but then again I felt horrible. I tried to message my Polish friend Gabi on her mobile phone, but she wasn't responding. I wanted to talk to her maybe to feel better, but apparently she was in a party and didn't see my message till late at night. Anyway, I went to the balcony and sat there with my laptop till the morning, waiting for the sun to come up and realising I'm not dying.

That was one very good example of what happened to me in the past months. What caused it, is simple: I had changed my geographical place of living and like most living things my body and mind had difficulties adjusting to the new environment. What was the name of the illness, I can say it was simply a mixture of both homesickness and mild depression. And homesickness doesn't mean just feel sad because of being away from home and depression isn't equal to unhappiness. They're both something serious which might afflict your mind and body and disrupt your life for weeks and months.

I'm happy I got over it finally, and am now feeling alive again. Take care of your mental health guys.

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